I miss having time to do things like cut firewood and take care of things like basic yard maintenance. I also miss being outside the typical dramas associated with a typical work environment. I like most of the people I work with, but it only takes one person or event to ruin a full day, and there are rarely days where that doesn’t happen. I get pretty tired of it.

My health has suffered as a result. The stress has contributed to out of control blood pressure. Sleep seems inadequate. I don’t have time or energy to exercise. I rarely … Read the rest

Accept Feeling Alone In A Crowded Room

We (Liz and I) don’t seem to know how to say “enough.” Today, that thought sits heavy on me as I sit alone in a crowded room. I’m at church, nominally among friends. But I’m alone. I don’t feel like I’m a part of this community in more than a superficial sense. I have few friends here (depending on how you define friends). I know several more names. And I’ve been in this ward longer than any other since I left my parent’s house as a teenager. In spite of that, I feel like a foreigner.

I think some of … Read the rest


For three months, I’ve had a bad headache. That’s also about how long I’ve been back at SDL. It’s a challenge. I am being mentally and physically taxed being back at the grind. I felt better when I was trying to work for myself. The work is slowly killing me. The only question is whether I can adapt before it takes a permanent toll, or if it catches me before I adapt. I can’t really make everything happen that I need to without decent income aside from my retirement. As much as I loved being retired, my responsibilities don’t support … Read the rest

Back to School

One consequence of our unsuccessful effort to be self employed is that Liz has spent some considerable time thinking about our financial position and her position in particular if I should happen to die before she does. At present, 100% of our income ends when I die, and without an employer sponsored life insurance plan to cover the gap, our current life insurance would only give her a few years at the existing standard of living to figure out how to pay for the costs of life.

As she’s ruminated on this topic over the last several months, she has … Read the rest

So much for that

It’s been over a year since I walked away from industry and government contracts to start my own small business. Some of that time has been awesome. I love being the master of my own time. However, I don’t love being broke. I also don’t love the fact that there is very little chance that I’ll ever make money doing what I had hoped to monetize. At this point, I’m pretty sure that the idea I had hoped to turn into income is never going to amount to much more than a hobby.

What did I do wrong? Well, there … Read the rest

On our own and unafraid!

We did it. Elizabeth and I have started our own business, and I have walked away from a job for which I was well qualified but that I found unsatisfying and often distasteful. At this point, Elizabeth and I are working like mad and juggling each other’s time to balance Michael’s needs, the general needs of maintaining a household, and our need to focus on getting the materials put together that we need to formally launch a few courses come August.

The transition has not been without its challenges. The loss of my former paycheck represents about a 60% cut … Read the rest

Decision the easy way

Several years ago, we purchased a Nissan Versa — a small hatchback car known for being cheap. It was supposed to be the car I drove to keep the mileage down on our other more expensive cars when we didn’t need the capability they presented. It turns out that I don’t need a pickup truck all the time, and that minivans aren’t required when there are only one or two people to transport. This car was supposed to cover the space where these two were ill-suited.

This little car served us relatively well for a few years, but not long … Read the rest

I Have COVID-19

I have COVID-19. I started feeling ill last Saturday with tiredness, a raging headache, and body aches. I almost always feel like that, and we were at the end of a 10 day, high-stress, not always fun, spend 8-10 hours a day in the car with an autistic kid who can’t stand driving, vacation. I wrote it off as vacation fatigue, and went in to work on Monday. By Tuesday afternoon, though, it was clear that it was more than just a vacation hangover, and I left work early. Wednesday, after sleeping for 15 hours or more and feeling like … Read the rest


Back when camping was still fun and didn’t require lugging a 60lb lead acid battery around to power a CPAP, I decided to take Isaac camping and hunting for small game. At the time, we were living within the confines of Eielson Air Force Base near Fairbanks, Alaska — a fairly small outpost of humanity in the vastness of the Alaskan wilderness. As a reference, the Fairbanks North Star Borough (a county equivalent that included Fairbanks and Eielson) is roughly the size of New Jersey, contains the second largest city in the state, and was home to less than 100,000 … Read the rest

Am I Responsible or Risk Averse?

Today, again, I ask my self why I’m still doing what I do professionally. From outward appearances, my career is successful; I am well respected in my professional enclave; I have influence over large things; I am plenty far up the food chain within my organization; I’m recognized as an expert among a field of very highly educated and trained people; and I have had a series of projects that have successfully accomplished something to be proud of. I should be happy. I’m not. Not really.

Why aren’t I happy? Some of it could be because I have ideological differences … Read the rest

Peter's Prose, Poetry, and Random Ramblings