I should shy away from controversy more often, but that doesn’t seem to be in my nature. The following essay/article is just one among many examples where I have failed to follow that sage advice. In what follows, I say what I mean, unfiltered by what is considered popular or acceptable. I’m not an “expert” in this field, but given that the experts treat the topic with religious zeal, I don’t have much faith in them. I only have room for one religion in my life. The rest needs to support it’s own weight.
I miss having time to do things like cut firewood and take care of things like basic yard maintenance. I also miss being outside the typical dramas associated with a typical work environment. I like most of the people I work with, but it only takes one person or event to ruin a full day, and there are rarely days where that doesn’t happen. I get pretty tired of it.
My health has suffered as a result. The stress has contributed to out of control blood pressure. Sleep seems inadequate. I don’t have time or energy to exercise. I rarely … Read the rest
We (Liz and I) don’t seem to know how to say “enough.” Today, that thought sits heavy on me as I sit alone in a crowded room. I’m at church, nominally among friends. But I’m alone. I don’t feel like I’m a part of this community in more than a superficial sense. I have few friends here (depending on how you define friends). I know several more names. And I’ve been in this ward longer than any other since I left my parent’s house as a teenager. In spite of that, I feel like a foreigner.
As I write this, I’m sitting in a theater “watching” the (hopefully last) Indiana Jones movie. It’s too damn loud. And after less than 10 minutes, I hate everything about it. It’s clear they aren’t even trying to tell a decent story anymore. It’s all of the tired shit from the previous movies that was fun the first time or two, but that is beyond tired now. I want nothing to do with “artifacts” with mystical powers and caricatures of screaming Nazi bad guys. I’m tired of progressively implausible escapes. I’m tired of Harrison Ford. I’m tired of CGI taking … Read the rest
For three months, I’ve had a bad headache. That’s also about how long I’ve been back at SDL. It’s a challenge. I am being mentally and physically taxed being back at the grind. I felt better when I was trying to work for myself. The work is slowly killing me. The only question is whether I can adapt before it takes a permanent toll, or if it catches me before I adapt. I can’t really make everything happen that I need to without decent income aside from my retirement. As much as I loved being retired, my responsibilities don’t support … Read the rest
One consequence of our unsuccessful effort to be self employed is that Liz has spent some considerable time thinking about our financial position and her position in particular if I should happen to die before she does. At present, 100% of our income ends when I die, and without an employer sponsored life insurance plan to cover the gap, our current life insurance would only give her a few years at the existing standard of living to figure out how to pay for the costs of life.
As she’s ruminated on this topic over the last several months, she has … Read the rest
It’s been over a year since I walked away from industry and government contracts to start my own small business. Some of that time has been awesome. I love being the master of my own time. However, I don’t love being broke. I also don’t love the fact that there is very little chance that I’ll ever make money doing what I had hoped to monetize. At this point, I’m pretty sure that the idea I had hoped to turn into income is never going to amount to much more than a hobby.
Yesterday I attended an EMDR session for the first time in an attempt to get a more permanent handle on the effects of PTSD. Today, I feel like shit. I’m depressed. I feel pretty damn hopeless. And I’m thinking and feeling things I haven’t in quite a while.
I should feel reasonably good. Last night I passed the practical part of Firefighter I certification, and have every reason to expect that I’ve passed the written part too. That is something of an accomplishment. We’re making slow but steady progress towards launching the business. Things are pretty stable. However, I feel … Read the rest
We did it. Elizabeth and I have started our own business, and I have walked away from a job for which I was well qualified but that I found unsatisfying and often distasteful. At this point, Elizabeth and I are working like mad and juggling each other’s time to balance Michael’s needs, the general needs of maintaining a household, and our need to focus on getting the materials put together that we need to formally launch a few courses come August.
The transition has not been without its challenges. The loss of my former paycheck represents about a 60% cut … Read the rest
Several years ago, we purchased a Nissan Versa — a small hatchback car known for being cheap. It was supposed to be the car I drove to keep the mileage down on our other more expensive cars when we didn’t need the capability they presented. It turns out that I don’t need a pickup truck all the time, and that minivans aren’t required when there are only one or two people to transport. This car was supposed to cover the space where these two were ill-suited.
This little car served us relatively well for a few years, but not long … Read the rest