Yesterday I attended an EMDR session for the first time in an attempt to get a more permanent handle on the effects of PTSD. Today, I feel like shit. I’m depressed. I feel pretty damn hopeless. And I’m thinking and feeling things I haven’t in quite a while.

I should feel reasonably good. Last night I passed the practical part of Firefighter I certification, and have every reason to expect that I’ve passed the written part too. That is something of an accomplishment. We’re making slow but steady progress towards launching the business. Things are pretty stable. However, I feel awful.

The reality that we can’t really expect to make any money this year is setting in hard. This is kind of like how I felt when I had to give up on ever making money on the novels I’ve written — enormous amounts of work on something I am proud of, only to realize that the work is fundamentally worth less than the robotic actions of a McDonald’s cashier. The universe doesn’t give a shit about what I have produced. Somehow I’m supposed to just hold on and hope that in the future it’ll change it’s mind and that in a decade or so I’ll make enough to make up for some of what I lost by walking away from a good paying job. I hated major aspects of that job, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss feeling like people valued what I had to offer and seeing the evidence of that in my bank account.

Today, I feel like getting blind drunk and giving up to oblivion for a while. That’s not an option, but it’s how I feel. Hopefully it won’t last.